DATELINE: The New White House, Rancho Mirage, CA

In the Name of The Father, and of The Son and of The Holy Spirit, Amen.



24 December 2014
2200 Hours Local Time
Rough Transcript of Remarks by POTUS, For Immediate Release

Good evening.  As you may have heard, my Old White House became a hostile work environment last month and I moved everything I need to be President here to my New White House.  There is no need for alarm.  My civilian national security force is doing all in their power to protect you and keep you safe as long as you are not being racist or homophobic or voting for the wrong party..  They are managing the situation, making sure my directives ensuring a home here for anyone who wants one, against sexual or ethnic discrimination and giving your money to the world’s poor to lift them out of despair are carried out in letter and spirit.  I know what you need.  I am great and you deserve to be the most open and free to all with my resources, which are enormous.

There may be a need in coming months for me to move my White House farther west, perhaps to Malaysia.  It depends on how secure I remain where I am.  I know you all care for me and want for me the best and happiest life possible.  Soon that may be overseas.  But I will take my White House with me and be your President from wherever I put it.  I know you count on my rule.

This is to give you news of goings on so that you will understand and agree with moves I have been making with resources at my command.

Since last year, I have been supplying ISIS — now IS — with arms and money to induce them to take care of people who come under their domination.  Poverty and lack of power-sharing are the cause of all this discontent in the Middle East and my creative and responsible policy has been to help eradicate that unhappiness by, on the one hand, appeasing ISIS with arms and, on the other hand, buying their good will with money.  This is a limited, creative, responsible, measured policy that would work if ISIS had kept their end of the deal.  But they disappointed me.  They took my arms and money and used it to oppress even more people and they even lied to me about their actual plans.  That makes me look bad and I do not like that.  I know neither do you.  You do not like your leader to look bad.  All polls show that you love me.

Still, al-Baghdadi, their leader — our wonderful, peace-loving Moslem Friends call their leaders Caliph — and I talk almost daily and we have agreed so much that is creative and progressive.  For example, we discussed how my CIA can fly arms and money to his folks, where to meet for the deliveries.  Things like that.  A few times they have shot my CIA people delivering these items but what can I expect from boisterous youngsters.  Age and responsibility will teach them to lighten up.

We have a responsibility to protect al-Baghdadi and all of our other Moslem brothers and sisters.  Samantha Power is eloquent regarding this fact and I agree with her.  I know you do too.

I am patient.  I think.  I have to look presidential, imperturbable, in command.

Kill the mic a minute.

Off?  OK.  Damn it, Jarrett, the text just went off my teleprompter.  Where is that woman?!?!?!


Mic back on?

As I was saying, folks … the facilities here at my New White House are not up to standard yet … I was talking about ISIS, wasn’t I?  Oh, there it is.  Yes, I remember.  Folks, don’t ever buy a teleprompter from Thermal Dream Electronics, like we had to do here locally when we had to, I mean, when we left my Old White House in a bit of a rush.

Anyhow, I am safe and I know that is all you care about.

ISIS was taking my arms and money and not keeping their end of the deal.  So in August I dropped a few bombs on their exposed positions just to wake ’em up, as they say.  They shot back.

So I upped the ante.  I offered them three times the previous amount of arms and money I had been providing if they would just leave off killing so many people and bragging about it.  They were making me look foolish to you, my own people.  I did not like that.  They agreed after I agreed not to also arm and finance their enemies the Kurds.  They took the larger supply of arms and money and promised to be cool.  This time I gave them stronger arms like small artillery, anti-tank weapons, MANPADs (more than I gave them last year from al-Gaddafi’s stash), armored personnel carriers, advanced communications gear, thousands of night vision goggles, tons of ammunition and north of twenty billion dollars.  They demanded two modern frigates, a wing of F-16s and a squadron of B-2s, but we were still negotiating on that.  I wanted to see results, that they carry out their end of the deal we already made.  They promised to throttle back at least for a reasonable time.  But instead they used the arms and money I gave them to redouble their efforts, including to recruit Moslems around the world and to increase their propaganda superiority.

So I felt used.  But I figured I had not done enough to lift them out of poverty and disrespect.  I felt like apologizing.  After all, they are Moslems, the Faithful, worthy of my and everyone’s respect and who can argue with that?  Moslems helped so much to build my country, right from the beginning.  You owe them a debt of gratitude you really never can repay.  But I decided to help pay that debt because I know you want to, that you are eager to reach out and lift up the world’s poor from the desperation in their lives and the only way to do that is for you to give unstintingly of your time, money and treasure in ways I know how to do.

So in late August, as he kept up things I do not approve even after taking my huge increases in poverty-lifting aid of arms and money, I offered al-Baghdadi — I want you always to speak and write respectfully of everyone of color, a minority, especially Moslems — diplomatic recognition for his new Islamic State and Caliphate.  I told you at the time the reason for this.  Moslems have been pining for centuries for their glories at al-Andalus and for decades for the loss of their Caliphate, even though that, being Turkish Sunni, was not especially friendly to Arabs or Iranians.  I have tried to talk Spain into letting Arabs retake al-Andalus but they resist the idea, which is really mean-spirited of them and also racist, but it would be good for all concerned.  It takes people time to recognize the foresightful genius of my impulses and ideas.

Perhaps, I said to myself, we can help IS lift out of their victimization by poverty, now that they are the Moslem Caliphate, by reintegrating al-Andalus into their domain.  I resolved to do what I could to further that worthy goal by offering al-Baghdadi diplomatic recognition by the United States.  He accepted and I made it a fact at my State Department in early September.  His end was, again, to throttle back the killing, especially of unarmed civilians, which looks bad of itself and makes me look bad, which is really unfortunate.  I was willing to give him land and prestige in exchange for toning down the unfortunate loss of life.  He said, “Yes,” but then, after IS received diplomatic recognition by first the US and then the EU and other leaders, he went back to his old ways.  I was disappointed, again.

But I am an eternal optimist — which means I believe in myself — who has learned that no one can resist my leadership and wishes as long as I give them enough of what they want to lift themselves out of poverty.  I decided al-Baghdadi must still be feeling poor.  So I offered and obtained for him a new revolving seat at the UN Security Council.  He took it, made some colorful remarks and gestures — who does not sympathize with boisterous youth who has grown up in poverty? — and went right back to his old ways of way too much killing and expansion of domain.  If only he had gone slower, played more quietly, he might have escaped notice and could still have all that he wanted.

But he appeared to be impatient, which I can understand because I have been impatient for change and fundamental transformation all my life.  I always wanted to be a president so I could change everything, except being president, of course.  Who wouldn’t?  I got in easily with the light, folksy touch, but I still got done what I wanted.  al-Baghadi was having a harder time, but he’ll learn in time.  So I understand al-Baghdadi.  He is just trying to put his mark on the world.   What is wrong with that?  And especially because his mark is also that of glorious, peaceful, ancient and very American Islam.  You owe such a debt of gratitude to Islam for helping to create your country.  It is your main contributor to your national life, if truth were told, as you know I always do.

So I figured al-Baghdadi needed more inducement.  He did not yet feel lifted from poverty, as was my goal and as he clearly deserved, being a victim of poverty for most of his life.  I offered him a seat at my National Security Council so that he could see how we have the best interests of all at heart, especially Muslims, and learn from us the manners of leadership.  It is too late in his life for him to smooth off the rough edges and network with the right people at one of our finishing schools: Harvard, Columbia, Oxy, etc.  But I could bring him into the inner sanctum, so to speak, of my government, let him look around, learn my ways and let those rub off on him.

So since October he has been meeting at least weekly with my National Security Advisor Susan Rice and the team I gave her, learning the insides of my government, my capabilities and methods, my secrets and plans.  I even gave him permission to advise Susan and my folks who work for her on my behalf what he thinks are my best courses of action, domestically and overseas.  I further directed — although Susan would have done this anyway because of her own common sense and vast knowledge — that his ideas and insights and wishes shape my national policy in all regards whenever possible and that he be granted the same security clearance as my other NSC participants.  I gave him an office very near my own.  We could holler at each other.  I offered to teach him basketball and golf and take him with me on extortion — I mean fund-raising — trips.  Just kidding.  I thought we had a good thing going.

He was eager to learn.  And that really pleased me.  And he brought in his friends to help him.  I am very generous with my country.  The more widely and deeply I can expose those who work against me to who I am and what I am doing, I figure the more sympathy they will have for me and what I have to manage and go through every day.  Which would be a good thing, don’t you think?  Who is against wider understanding?  It is what makes the world go around.  It’s hard. And it’s good to be the President.

I ordered my intelligence community to not arouse their antipathy by keeping tabs on what al-Baghadi and his friends were doing in my country.  Overseas, OK, but not here.  Here he and they are my honored guest and I always keep my end of a deal.

It seems al-Baghadi did not, however.  His seat on my National Security Council and open access to my government’s operations was supposed to pacify his rowdiness and show him that I cared and really wanted him lifted him and his friends out of poverty.  But he seems not to have lost that last ounce of crankiness as I had so hoped he would.  He had lost much of it — good food, a clean bed, running water and plenty of blonde boys are good for the soul of any leader — but some remained and that bit bit me hard.

I had already ordered my military and police forces to stand down in the face of Moslem domestic exuberance.  Boisterous youth will be boisterous youth, but not for long and not forever.  So when al-Baghdadi arrived at my Old White House with an even larger entourage of helpers, all good and faithful Moslems, and used his office’s communications links to order an armed occupation of my Old White House and environs, I and my staff had to accede to his wishes and depart.  He raised the flag of his Caliphate over my Old White House.  At least only thirty one of my people were killed.  It was essentially bloodless.  So, good news, as always.

Now I am at my New White House in sunny California, where I am at home with what folks believe here, still your President and still looking after your welfare.  What happens in Washington D.C. now does not really matter to my country.  I am here and Washington D.C. is there.  There is a lot of distance between us.  And even though only a few thousand a day are being shot or crucified on the East Coast, this too will pass and I doubt my Air Force, Army, Navy, Coast Guard and Marine pilots are going to fly for al-Baghdadi.  At least not the Christian ones.  They will be killed, of course, but I am grateful to them for keeping me safe and getting my out of there.  Their mission is to sacrifice themselves for me.  They call it self-less service to their country.  I am indeed grateful.

Distance is my great friend now.  Three thousand miles is a long way even for an armed Toyota.

Also, my civilian national security force is on the job doing what they do best, making sure minorities are not disrespected and folks who come here are welcomed with food, clothing, shelter, money, IDs, iPhones, iPads, voter registration as Democrats, wireless internet, premium cable and sixty-inch flat screen TVs, two per household.

Watch that racism and sexism, now.  It will get you hurt.  My civilian national security force is watching for violations of my directives.

My Ivy League schools I probably cannot protect at this point.  My military academies have some few resources but they have orders to stand down and not interfere lest they make matters worse.  I do not want you offending Muslims.  Neither do they.  And you know the kinds of things they do.  Same for my regular military and para-military units: stand down, do not give offense.  I do not want to provoke more of their juvenile boisterousness than is already.  A quiet word allays anger.  Who said that?  Try to reason with whomever approaches you in an unfriendly or threatening manner.  Remember, they are victims of poverty and you can help them remedy that neglect and disadvantage they have suffered in life.  They are your less-privileged brothers and sisters.  Therefore you owe it to them to welcome them and help them do what they want to do.  Give generously and they will be grateful. Just hand things over.  They will be impressed.  They may even leave you alone.  It is your Christian duty, after all, to be your brother’s keeper and you do want to be a good Christian, if that is what you are.  And my Moslems are your brothers.

Congress and the Judiciary are disbanded or dead.  They served no useful purpose anyhow and in fact, as you know, they were blocking or retarding progress I conceived and pushed.

Be of good cheer.  Valerie Jarrett and I wish you well.  I know you love us.

Oh, and happy holidays.  Reggie and I are celebrating Muslim New Year.  Remember to pay respect to your Muslim brothers and sisters.  They have fought so hard for your country!  Give ’em a chance.  Give ’em a leg up.

J-A-R-R-E-T-T, where are you? ….. Shit, did she get the C-17 loaded with cash ….. and buy that penthouse in Kuala Lumpur? ….. She’s out planning her POTUS campaign?!  Hell, she can’t do that.  Did she check with Michelle on what she wants?  I thought she wanted POTUS.  Bullshit, it doesn’t matter anyhow.  There won’t be another one after me.

What do you mean the mic is hot?  Shit, I forgot to say “Good Night.”

Good night, my Americans.  I wish you well.  Good luck and God bless me.

Now kill the f*****g mic!


Update 1: Related: It’s Not Easy Going Green

Update 2: Until the churches reform the universities, Power types will churn out in their millions yearly and demand their 20-something hands control immediately every last twitch on the planet.  No rest for anyone or anything, just constant elimination of what is by what wants to be.  Samantha and her boss represent a class of operators.



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