Chaitanya Jyothi Museum Opening, 2000
RAMANAM
In the Name of The Father, and of The Son and of The Holy Spirit, Amen.
Countrymen,
ORBIS NON SUFFICIT
SOLUS DEUS SUFFICIT
Subject: GEN K. CLAUSE, Fort North Pole
Date: 1349 hours Monday, 21 Dec 97
1. An official visit by General Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 Dec 97. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:
a. Not a creature will stir without official authorization. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the Office of the Surgeon (OSURG), ATTN: Veterinary Services.
b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 1997. Uniform for the nap will be:
Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps.
Equipment will be drawn from Central Issue Facility (CIF) prior to 1900 hours, 24 Dec 97.
c. Personnel will utilize standard Class I ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility. Sugar plums with Class VI (alcohol) based additives available from Officers and NCO open messes are not authorized.
d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours 24 Dec 97, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.
e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LOI No. 3, Para 6c, this headquarters, 2 Feb 95, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.
f. Prior to 2400, 24 Dec 97, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.
g. Office of the Deputy Chief of Staff, Logistics (ODCSLOG) will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of GEN Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”
2. GEN Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 Dec 97, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.
3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” This shout will be given on termination GEN Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs and unit commanders.
/s/
CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE
COLONEL, USA
OIC, Special Services
DISTRIBUTION: Everybody Who Still Believes
AUM NAMAH SHIVAYA
