Chaitanya Jyothi Museum Opening, 2000

RAMANAM
In the Name of The Father, and of The Son and of The Holy Spirit, Amen.

Countrymen,

ORBIS NON SUFFICIT
SOLUS DEUS SUFFICIT

From Zenobia Floger at Rantburg, some poems:

1
A Musselman crab of Nantucket
Re Islam, was minded to chuck it.
More pious crustaceans
Observed his frustrations
And pulled him back into the bucket.

2
A man overboard off Pawtucket,
His sodden Koran in his pocket,
Had started to plummet
But shook off Mahomet —
A fisherman dropped him a ducat.

3
The Eighties: Had Gaza fled Hades,
To live as carefree lords and ladies —
Captivity over!
No more Jewish drover,
Just heaven down by the Euphrates.

4
I hope you rich Hollywood bitches
Don’t mind if I do all the dishes.
I’m Bronxer than stellar —
A Dutch Cinderella —
And those were some vicious knishes.

5
Old Allah up early, out prowling,
Was surly. A bird heard him growling,
“This place is deserted!
That herd I converted
Is still, but my wasteland is howling.”

6
Mohamed, Muhamad, and– dirka!
We– I wish to visit Amerka!
He finds it oppressive
To be where the rest live.
Fair welcome, three men in a burka!

7
This drum major figurehead runt
Who leads his parade with a blunt
Has got the folks beggin’
For someone like Reagan
Who’s willing to follow up front.

8
This slippery, noodlesome beast,
Whose posting your Pater has greased,
Supplies me with chuckles,
But, probably, Knuckles
Will prove a removable feast.

Now all I gotta do is set that to The Musical Priest.  Sob.

9

A Kennedy cousin from Woburn
Presented his midwife a Cuban.
“Let’s check on my wife,
Then we’ll celebrate life
With a scotch and a smoke for my newborn!”

10
Cried Oliver Wendell, right haughtily,
“You’ve covered your skirt mighty bawdily
With my marine neighbors!
Come see me in chambers
And throttle a cuttlefish naughtily.”

11
Tried placing a call, and who answered?
You’d swear it was old mother Bamford:
“I’ve sent your brochure,
And would like to assure
You, our AI has set a new standard!”

12
An old counterman of Secaucus
Would greet all his regulars raucous:
They’d say, “It’s a stickup!”
“One order to pick up!”
“What are we, chopped liver, to clock us?”

13
A nightingale sang, “Sure, it’s petty,
But, Turkey, I’m totally ready
To trade you all (sorry!)
For one ricercare
By poor Alessandro Poglietti.”

14
Islamophobe bees buzzed a Muslim!
But why? For a moment it puzzles him.
‘Twas just Allah’s sweetness
And Musselman meekness
That caused the wee beasties to nuzzle him.

15
Undialyzed dude of Bohemia,
I wonder what cured your uremia?
[loooooooooong pause]
Well, whether ’twas celery,
Or maybe the Keller, ye
Piss like the Lion of Nemea!

16
We Germans make nice with Salafis,
Invite them for Kuchen and coffees,
And don’t say that Merkel
For her brilliant work’ll
Deserve a worse end than Qaddafi’s!

17
As Turks filled the streets of her cities,
New Europe ignored his entreaties:
“Those darn kids of Merkel’s,
Disturbing my circles…”
Exhaustedly creaked Archimedes.

18
A fortunate seafaring rover,
As lucky as five-leaféd clover:
“I grounded and stove ‘er,
Half drowned, and rolled over
To witness the white clefts of Dover!”

19
To poison one schoolgirl? Sadistic!
To poison ten million? Statistic.
To poison a planet
Like Marx or Mohammed?
Pure genius! Creative! Artistic!

20
Mo’s babies, along with a rattle,
Are handed a sword and a saddle.
“Why don’t we get horses?”
The answer, of course, is,
“Crawl forth and acquire them in battle!”

21
Three feminine men in a boat;
A punt and a runt and a goat;
What happened at Shirl’s
Between Erd and the girls
Is detailed in the following note:

22
Dark spooks on the wall of a cavern:
Poor penitents hoods. “It’s a klavern!”
And pale shadows, turning
From Christendom’s burning,
All face the idealist blatherin’.

23
A workshop, where jazzy old thespian
Meets dizzy Strassbergian lesbi@n:
“Let’s improv on blowing!”
The trumpet kept growing.
“Great affect! It’s frankly Gillespian!”

24
“Your ‘Case of the Rochdale Imam’
Had nothing to do with Islam!”
“What? Surely now, Sherlock–”
“No, Watson, the Pure talk
Of nothing all day but ‘salaam.'”

25
Those thrusty Victorian bustles
Concealing unspeakable muscles!
Blind beggars would hustle
And jostle and tussle
To hear their indelicate rustles!

26
The Firth in a fog, and a vessel;
Prince Albert, Balmoral, a special!
The Queen, in fine fettle,
Adorns with a medal
The bustle that buttressed the trestle.

27
The new girl came ready to barter;
She might even throw in a garter:
“Ma’m’selle Kokopelli
Will fill up your belly!”
They drummed her right out of the Quarter.

28
A scholarship waitin’ to happen:
Say, Poli Sci, minor in rappin’?
Be Big Man on Campus,
Then, why not revamp us
As President — just throw your cap in!

All the Canucks are doin’ it!

29
Is that a Conroy reference? Who cares… to the boneyard!

Before volunteering for Muskie,
Con…RACK went to rescue Daufuskie,
But milking the rodent…
Well, really, one couldn’t,
When all of one’s students were dusky!

30
Poor Pinch. Such decisions are weighty.
His car splashes past a gray lady.
The corner, the whoring,
The stories so boring…
Pretending it’s still 1980.

31
Mohammedan madam Umm Lili:
“Jihadis who fancy the frilly
May play parts of ladies
Down by the Euphrates
With Gynecological Billy.”

Sheesh.  Maybe after some sleep.

32
Reporters inquired of the Donald,
“On which rock-ribbed rogue are you modeled?”
He quipped, “Elephino!
There’s one thing for sure, though…
I’ll trumpet as if I were Ronald.”

33
It’s breakfast without Coca-Cola,
Or parlour with no Pianola,
Trans men without boobies,
And idols sans rubies:
A Burg without Joe Mendiola.

34
The talk: “It’s a bitch to be black, sons.
We’re ruled by these cruel Anglo-Saxons
Who’ll force folks to shoot you,
Take checks to be cuckoo,
And swoon for Obamas and Jacksons.”

35
“We Donks do not truck with no mixin’
With Trunks on the stump! Git yer kicks in!
Run wild like a jackass!
We’ll crack heads, and backsass…
And lose, like our grands did to Nixon.”

36
“Two emperors, a pope, and a lama
Walked into a house. Such a trauma!
The staff and the madams
Were ruptured,” laughed Adams.
“Too small for the head of Obama.”

37
“I cried,” sighed a sad Dalai Lama,
“But just couldn’t lie to Obama:
‘Your karma is buggered…
This cannot be sugared…
You’re gonna come back as your mama.'”

38
Like booze to Ulysses S. Grant
Was illness to Oscar Levant:
He tried and he tried
Until finally he died…
“I’m sorry, he sighed, “but I can’t.”

Mmmkay.  Ima stop now.

39
Three cheers for the bountiful lady
And restavek mountebanc matey!
Rapscallion and hellion
Close in on three billion,
But no hope at all down in Haiti.

Not strictly true, but what the heck…

40 (by Harry The Great3149)
Another Obama oration:
Michelle tells a reprobate nation
To focus on slavery
And notice her bravery
Enduring a White House staycation.

41
“Imam,” inquired Omar one autumn,
“Does Allah not tire of my bottom?”
“Observing our booties
Performing their dutïes,
He sometimes is tempted to swat ’em!”

42
A pious old Muslim of Sutton
Who never had much use for mutton:
“Not nannies nor biddies
But lambkins and kiddies,
By Allah, have made me a glutton!”

43
“Islam must forbid false conversions!”
Sure, go tell the Medes and the Persians
Mohammedans dindu
Dat stuff to the Hindu
Or other small pious incursions.

44
“Your father must have left you to be raised by your mother or he was a sissy like you,” added SargentMike77.

Though Mike isn’t much of a sergeant,
His passion for portraiture’s ardent:
“The ’77
Of Fanny is heaven;
A master, that John Singer Sargent!”

45
Dear Burgers, a trim memorandum
Regarding Gersh Kuntzman’s addendum:
Please, natch, treat him cruelly,
But don’t wax so bluely!
Yours truly, A Lady’s Pudendum.

46
“Fire twenty-three mags in a minute?
I doubt you, sir, till I have seen it!”
“My triggering finger
Is truly a zinger —
Come close and I’ll show you, Miss Bennett!”

47
“Oh, Muslims, we’re really so over ya —
Your crazy controlling, your ‘-phobia.’
We knew when we dumped ya
We might have to Trump ya…
Enjoy your Islamic utopia!”

48
Faux pairs and the swapping of hostages!
Could Hilly run under such auspices:
Trans-national lobbies
And Saudi wahhabis?
Could Brennans make omelettes from ostriches?

49
Habemus! A wholesale euphoria
Has rocked an incurious Curia:
“O glorious mystery!
A pope with no history…
A principled Pete from Manchuria!”

50
“Amigos, quit pushin’ and shovin’!
Nurse midwife Obama is glovin’
To birth a new nation
The Race will be safe in…
And then there’ll be plenty of lovin’.”

And more humane trafficking, too.

51
In Massa’s new National Parks,
The [d-word]s are happy as larks!
His people, while peaceful,
Are frequently lethal
And prone to unguarded remarks.

52
Are principal principles splintered?
Do immigrants enter unhindered?
Do capital cities
Resound to their ditties?
It’s probably time to look inward.

53
A slice of New York: Someone naughty
(kablooey!) shot Louis Barbati.
In cielo, St Peter,
Chicago-style eater,
Just mimicked a pico-Amati.

54
“We Swedes lay the table with lingerie
For Muslims to tuck our blancmange away,
But as we commingle,
Our manacles jingle
Coquettishly, ‘Noli me tangere!'”

55
Imam versus cucumber… quirky.
Why Allah permitted it… murky.
Do fatwa and logic
Forbid kak in cacik?
Forget it, Mohammed, it’s Turkey.

56
To ban us from doing Bad Things
Has long been a hobby of kings.
Bad People resist them
And foul up the system
By clinging to shooting at rings.

57
You might as well speak in Amharic
To Barry, Loretta, or Eric.
Cue media lockout.
But if there’s a knockout
Affecting a Muslim — “Barbaric!”

58
It’s on! Social justice Koreshes
Raid South Carolina Seceshes
In drive-by deflagging.
But why? Knuckle-dragging
The US toward where Bangladesh is.

59
Archaeologists claim an enlargement
Of ancient Arabian parchment
Reveals ball and chain
Behind Allah, quite plain,
Concealed in a black sack-like garment.

60
A pious young harlot of Sumer
Went grey as an object of humor:
All day at the temple
She’d holler, “Free sample!”
But never could find a consumer.

61
In Karbala ripen in autumn
The blood-nourished apples of Sodom.
They’re not too nutritious
And taste pretty vicious,
But better not waste ’em — we bought ’em.

62
All goodness falls under one rubric!
A monkey, a wrench, a la Kubrick.
Now spinning, now falling.
The headaches? Appalling,
Till commies get sick of their Oobleck.

63
Snob Aubrey a sensible Fencible?
His spoons inoffensively runcible?
Marshmallow Martellos,
Stout fellows and Jellos
And lions no longer invincible.

64
The pastiest rake in all Vauxhall,
She’s racy right down to her foxhole.
They’ll wonder, in Flanders,
“From London, what thunders?”
“Just Amy Lamé’s knocking shops’l.”

65
The souk, where the future is bright
To the butchers’ and tanners’ delight.
At the close of the day,
Who should come out to play
But the cockroaches: “We own the night!”

66
A Jew in Djibouti one Christmas,
Enjoying a new Chinese business,
Encountered his chaplain.
“Verklempt, eh?” asked Kaplan.
“No, kafir, it’s just my strabismus.”

67
“This White House! So naughty, so carnal.”
Lisps Lawrence. “So bawdy.” O’Donnell,
Who rolled with the Westies
(we’re told he had testes),
Now gasps at a glimpse of a model.

68
A steward (retired) of Neponset
Sells pancit all day from his quonset.
Perchance it has smelt, but
Sez he who had dealt it,
“Not rancid! Well… maybe at onset.”

69
When Buddy goes home to sea pickles,
There’s flashing and glowing and trickles,
But after an hour,
Deadpanning and dour…
“And now, I would like to see Pickles.”

70
It offered a contract; he entered it.
My friend is a spineless degenerate.
“That lap! You look crappy…
Or are you just happy
You married a friggin’ coelenterate?”

71
From gathering rosebuds, no urgin’
Deters the Mohammedan surgeon —
Not rhyming nor reason —
From seizin’ the season
To cut and preserve every virgin.

72
“Will Merkel to Turks still look edible
When backed up by someone more credible,
Whom, if I get shrewish,
My nuclear jewfish
Might kipper… mein Herren? Regrettable.”

73
A pack’s on the prowl, praying pronely;
Lost lambs, irreligious and lonely,
Though all seem to crack
The same book, then attack,
As, “Lone wolves!” howl the sheeple. If only.

74
“In a world where you’ll freak like Shaniqua’ll,
Two highways, divided but equal…
She’s weaving in traffic!
Some scenes are too graphic
For kids. In the Ghetto: The Sequel!“

Okay, I see now it’s all boys young men.  Poetastic license?  Nice graduation pictures.

75
Imagine there’s no Lenin
bong bong bongbongbong bong
No Mao or Chou En Lai
And no recallin’ Stalin
Then they can never die
etc.

76
A lady from Winnipesaukee
Once rode up to Leh. A Ladakhi,
Who rode her right back,
Out of breath, on his yak,
Sighed, “Alas and alack! Am I lucky!”

77
When prima Mohammedan donna
Disfunctional family dishonor,
Who make-a dis history?
Is media mystery!
Just call her the Muslim Tawana.

78
A wand’rng Shamitic Lusation
Just cut off his Cottbus vacation.
Successful absorbtion
Is seldom his portion
In wending from nation to nation.

 

79
The Lions of Islam get snappy
Whenever their nappies are crappy,
But why are they bitter?
A box and some litter
Is all they give Al, and he’s happy!

 

80
Forever? A bloodsucking vamp,
Or well-meaning word on a stamp,
Or a flickering lamp
Unextinguished by Champ,
Or “Obama” tattooed on a tramp.

 

81
The grizzly would kill for her babies;
So likewise today’s childless ladies:
“This speciesist toady
Destroyed my coyote.
Go Gaia! Infect him with rabies!”

 

82
From the sticks (Dudley Square, Malcolm X!)
Past a basilisk built outta bricks,
Into Brookline. It picks
Up slick yiddishe chicks,
And in Allston, some kids that like kicks…

 

83
“Some said that my victory was narrow.
Says I, so’s the tip of an arrow!”
From over the mantel,
“Hail, king of the ant-hill,”
Discanted the head of his sparrow.

 

84
Assessing uxorial fitness
In Pakistan’s everyone’s business:
At any odd hour
In downtown Peshawar
There’s always a foursome for witness.

 

85
A comical callback was Clio’s
As over the dunes and the rios
Snuck civilisation,
Constructing a nation
From millions of criptojudios.

 

86
A burblin’ brook hurt our ears,
Of bourbon, pure, tender of years,
And that durned EPA
Made us wash it away…
The solution? Dilution by tears.

87
Pooh stumbled. A pouch full of money.
Beside it, a pot labeled “hunny.”
A bag for the Pak
And for Vinni a snack
Though it smelled just a little bit funny.

88 (Zenobia appears to be creating now as Slinesh Angeager4299):
The former First Couple are proud
Of their library, so well endowed!
Though many desired it,
No site was required:
All its content resides in a cloud.

89 (Zenobia appears to be creating now also as Skunky Whumble8936)
Bill and Hill dance alone, brokenhearted.
“We were so full of Hope when we started!”
“Goodbye, Mr. Smith.
I’ll be taking the Fifth.”
Dénouement of a DC Departed.

 

Update 1: Colin Woodward: Eleven American nations.  Woodward’s purpose is to justify national gun confiscation, but along the way his analysis of American regions — he calls them nations in order to divide the country to ease confiscation — is accurate and useful.  Has a fine map supporting.

Update 2: Why ISIS Is Irrational: The Asharite/Mutazilite Conflict  Related

Update 3: Not Zenobia, but levity:

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested.  I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “Nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep.  It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people.  I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes.  That would be boring.  Spend 30 seconds in my head.  That’ll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.  We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

AUM NAMAH SHIVAYA