DATELINE: The White House

Chaitanya Jyothi Museum Opening, 2000

RAMANAM
In the Name of The Father, and of The Son and of The Holy Spirit, Amen.

Countrymen,

ORBIS NON SUFFICIT
SOLUS DEUS SUFFICIT

24 December 2013
2200 Hours Local Time
Rough Transcript of Remarks by POTUS, For Immediate Release

Good evening. As you may have heard, two hours ago I experienced a glitch in my communications with the San Francisco Bay Area and with the Hawaiian island of Oahu.

This is a temporary glitch. It is not related to terrorism. You may rest assured that my people are bending every effort to find and remedy the glitch. If there are perpetrators, they will be brought to justice. I assure you. I feel very strongly about this. My civilian national security force is working as I speak to ensure that no other communications glitches are affecting other regions of my country.

Two hours ago, I stopped receiving signals traffic from the San Francisco Bay Area and from the island of Oahu. I want you to know that I am very upset with my commanders at PACOM for not finding alternative means to answer my messages. I have been calling and calling and getting no answer.

I am concerned about the welfare of my soldiers, sailors and air persons in that region. Are their rights being respected, are my directives regarding acceptance and promotion of homosexuals being adhered to, are sexual harassment cases being referred promptly to civilian prosecutors, has discrimination against minority personnel ended, are minority and gender-based promotions, such as of Muslims, taking precedence, are females being integrated into combat units? These are military readiness issues to which I am committed and for which I know you hold me responsible. And I value that trust you have placed in me. I do not and will not fail you.

Valerie Jarrett will visit my commanders in PACOM to demand a full accounting. I, the Commander-in-Chief, deserve full response from my military employees. And I intend to give you the results of Valerie’s decisions in this regard as soon as she has made them. I cannot have non-communicating employees in my government, especially in my military.

Additionally, it appears that communications to and from Vienna and Frankfurt in Europe also have stopped. This happened about the same time signals went dark from the Bay Area and from Oahu. Two hours ago. Some christmas present! Isn’t it? I know, it’s annoying. But I want you to carry on as before, there is nothing here to concern you. I merely want to tell you of the steps I and my government are taking in regard to these glitches. I am taking all steps necessary. So rest assured and continue with your christmas practices.

The glitches in the EU, also, are not related to terrorism. I repeat, not related to terrorism. You and your families are safe. I assure you I ensure that. Carry on with your lives as ordinarily you would. Go to the malls, shop for christmas and New Years as you always do. Enjoy your parties, but be sure not to drink and drive. There is no need for worry or concern here. My CIA and Department of Homeland Security are on top of these developments and moving quickly to minimize their effects.

While I do not know the full reasons for these minor temporary communications glitches, initial reports suggest the possibility that they may result from seemingly near-simultaneous man-caused disasters allegedly of a nature not incompatible with a claimed deployment of potential thermonuclear devices. My intelligence community informs me that my satellite imagery shows evidence suggestively similar to that made by such speculated man-caused disasters. My intelligence community also informs me that none of my thermonuclear devices has been deployed. Therefore, I am faced with the possibility that someone other than me, able to deploy a thermonuclear device, may have deployed at least two of them on American soil. This is all speculation at this point. And nothing here is related to terrorism. You and your families are safe.

If that is the case, however, if thermonuclear devices have been deployed – merely a speculated possibility at this point in my investigations – that would contravene my long-standing agreements with my friends ruling other realms. And if that allegation is shown in a court of inquiry – which Jarrett will convene soon in private – to be true, that would perplex me and I intend to really talk to whoever did it if she determines who that is. Whoever it is, if I find out, I will negotiate a compromise settlement as soon as I am apprised of the exact situation. But as I say, this has nothing to do with terrorism. Muslims and homosexuals are friends of mine and yours who contribute much to the peace and prosperity of this country for hundreds of years and right into our own times.

Hold on … my teleprompter has added something … I did not expect … Boston?! … BOSTON???!!! … H-A-R-V-A-R-D???!!! … is Skip Gates OK? … they can’t do that … I told them it was a red line if they hit Madrassa Harvard ….

Sorry, folks, a little diversion there, nothing to be concerned about. This is not related to terrorism. I have full confidence in my civilian national security force. You and your families are safe. I will see to it along with my employees. We can come to an agreement, a compromise, through negotiations. Whoever did this. I have a gift and we can make a deal.

I may have to admit, however, that it is just a little bit possible that I may be getting just slightly annoyed. In my international relations with my many friends ruling other realms I have made my position clear to my friends. They are to keep off my turf, not bother my friends here. That means you and your families. Now it appears possible that someone has done just that. And that’s not fair if that’s what’s happened. It’s not nice and I don’t like it. I am cool but some things tend to rile me just a little. I practice fairness and equality and even deference with my many friends ruling other realms and expect the same from them.

I told them that. Someone may have discriminated against me. They may have disrespected me and tried to make me look foolish in your eyes. But I know you are not fooled by that. The only fools are Republicans. Those who disrespect me will hear from me directly and through my agencies.

I will talk to my friends again and Valerie will hold accountable my military employees who allowed this to happen. I am sure at the root of this minor, temporary glitch is racism. Like Republicans, whoever did this hates me because of I have a funny name. Sexism also may be involved. And genderism. But I will not buckle under the attacks of these hostage takers, these obstructionists, I will not give in to Republicans’ aggressive terrorism. I know you expect no less of me. I will stand tall and proud and head up for my country which I rule. I am superior to my enemies. Make no mistake, and let me be very clear on this, and I have told them so in very positive terms. Republicans do not stand a chance against me.

I will talk to them in very harsh terms now and make them understand that cutting off my communications with the San Francisco Bay Area and Oahu as well as Goldman Sachs’ and the EU’s communications with Frankfurt and Vienna is unacceptable. I will demand transparency and accountability from those who did this. Whoever they are. I do not discriminate. Republicans beware!

Hold on … my teleprompter is improvising again … China? … C-H-I-N-A?!!! … N-O!!! … I talked with them last week and told them nuking SF or Oahu would be a red line … my home in Kailua?! … NNNNOOOO! Pritzker bought that for me especially! … Shit! … I-R-A-N?!?!? … TOO?!? … Frankfurt and Vienna … shit … and maybe Stockholm?! … but they PROMISED me!!!!!! …

Sorry, folks, I may be getting just a little over-wrought. Though you would feel the same way I do now if you received the news I just did. My home gone. My friends at Goldman lost their play in Frankfurt! That may affect my campaign bank account. If there are any signs of that happening, trust me, Goldman will hear from my DOJ, IRS, SEC and FEC. I hold overpaid executives accountable to the electorate. I expect everyone to be patriotic for my country. They know what I’m talking about.

Fortunately your home is not gone – unless you live in the Bay Area, Oahu or Boston. Now I may need to tax it to rebuild the San Francisco Bay Area and my and my friends’ homes on Oahu and Boston. But I know you, too, are eager to do your patriotic duty and fund these civic and personal improvements I have planned to serve my country’s welfare and fill my campaign bank account.

Speaking to my regions affected by these temporary, minor glitches in my communications, my civilian national security force requests me to tell you that you are to shelter in place. Wherever you are in the Bay Area or Oahu – or Boston, I guess – shelter in place. My civilian national security force is on the way to bring you help. FEMA can provide armed security as well as blankets. These minor, temporary glitches are not terrorism-related. My people may delay a few months or years to allow radiation levels to subside enough for their safe entry and to build infrastructure sufficient to let them reach my affected regions. But be patient. I am sending help. Meanwhile, shelter in place. And be resourceful. And above all, do not discriminate against minority cultures, ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations, poundage, skin color, funny names, fishy or uncomfortable public behavior or modes of dress. My Justice Department is on the high lookout for that sort of language, thought or behavior, which is the real terrorism threatening my realm.

And rest assured this is not related to terrorism. My civilian national security force will bring the perpetrators to justice very quickly, as they have done in the past.

I am informed that aid for victims in the San Francisco Bay Area and Oahu is on the way. My administration is moving heaven and earth to bring my friends in my Silicon Valley back online. My government and you too need their help. Hopefully there are enough of them now to make a difference to me, to further my plans, which are for your everlasting benefit. The problem we face is reaching the region and making sure it is safe for my workers to enter.

Kailua will receive special attention, of course. However, my naval facilities on Oahu will not be rebuilt, at least not to their former condition. The Republicans in Congress are against funding government and I think I can do with far less military than I have. Excepting my SOCOM, of course, which will be rebuilt and re-staffed as needed by me, and quickly. So I agree with Republicans on this point and will take this opportunity to curtail military facilities, operations and funding – excepting SOCOM – by 90%. This is a fine example of mutual cooperation between our two parties. Cross-aisle co-operation, non-partisanship, which I have strongly practiced and advocated throughout my career.

I will use executive orders as necessary to accomplish this goal. What is the point of having a military, anyhow, if they do not protect my home and those of my friends from thermonuclear devices? What difference, at this point, does it make? With my civilian national security force you are safe even entirely without a military force. SOCOM is another matter but I keep that private for my executive use.

I will immediately demand that my Congress authorize 20 trillion dollars in spending to rebuild the civilian regions of the San Francisco Bay Area and Oahu. This outrage cannot stand. We must be firm in my determination to remain in charge of your destiny. As I say, I will have a very frank talk with whoever did this. They will hear from me! Meanwhile, we build!

I will also ask Congress to authorize 10 trillion dollars to help my EU friends rebuild Frankfurt and Vienna. My financial sector must endure no impediments.

If Congress will not act, I will spend those amounts anyhow. I cannot be held hostage by hidebound, small-minded, self-centered Republicans behaving in a terroristic manner.

These civilian rebuilding projects will further my plan to raise up mighty regions of our country that report directly to me at the White House. We are evolving the united states into something grander and better, far, far better, a realm more responsive to the needs of ordinary people and my government. Oahu, the Bay Area and The City on a Hill will become semi-autonomous federal properties that will gradually include adjacent lands into their betterment plans, protocols and procedures. A wonderful, creative future stretches before us. There are limitless possibilities to what we can accomplish, you and I.

These glitch-type incidents of which I have spoken are a blessing in disguise. They allow me to embark on the greatest civil works, urban renewal and political reorganization project in history. I — and you — are going to make records here. Future generations will admire my greatness. They will thank my foresight and ingenuity. A new realm will be born, not like the old, staid country which suffered from disagreement and division but a new realm of my unity and peace.

There will be millions of more shovel-ready jobs. My economy will vastly expand as private contractors receive government grants and hire millions of Americans who have been waiting for just such an opportunity that I can now grant them. It is the spirit of America which I embody that makes all these wonderful things possible. Hope now is limitless. There is nothing we cannot do. A new era of hope and change has dawned. You know, I almost want to thank those cunning Chinese sons-of-bitches for giving me this opportunity to spread more benefits on my realm, on me and you.

Hold on … teleprompter … unexpected … convoys? … convoys?!? … CONVOYS???!!! … troop ships?!? … eastbound towards San Diego, Los Angeles and Puget Sound???!!! … but I have a lot of friends in SoCal and Puget Sound! … SHIT! … tell my donors they are safe, that I am authorizing TSA agents to protect them and also activating the Commerce, Labor, Treasury, HUD and Education Department SWAT Teams … what do you mean my military cannot repel an invasion? … one Platoon combat ready?!?!?!?!? … and they’re light infantry SOF?!?!?!?!? … no matériel? … SHIT! … who the hell did this? … oh, shit! … Jarrett, what’d you do to me? … JARRETT!!!!!! … GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!!!!!! … I didn’t do this, I couldn’t have done this! … J-A-A-A-R-R-R-R-E-E-E-T-T!!!!!! … what the hell good is a damn military, anyway!?! …

Folks, sorry, it’s getting a little hot in here. You would too but I have matters well in hand. Do not worry. We do not need the San Francisco Bay Area, Oahu or Boston to live happy, productive lives. My people are working on this. There is no need for concern. This is unrelated to terrorism. A few little glitches are to be expected in life. Haven’t you had some of those yourself? Of course you have. I have, too. We are in this together, you and I. We will come out of it stronger and more united. I guarantee it.

I do not like being upset. I am a humble man, a reasonable man, a good and brilliant man. I like what I do and I like who I am. I expect you are the same. So let’s work together on this thing, you with me, and solve this problem, these few minor glitches that we will not allow to keep me down. I know we can do it together, you with me. No more obstruction, no more ego trips, no more political posturing by Republican kidnappers. I have set the course ahead, to rebuild three regions of my realm. Let’s all pull together and get the job done. I will not allow for delays or doubts. Our future is as bright as I want to make it. I want to make it very bright. You do, too. I know you do. Together we can, you with me. Yes, we can. Join me in the future of my dreams. We are who I want. Forward!

… J-A-A-A-R-R-R-R-E-E-E-T-T!!!!!! … where is that woman? … get her in here … what do you mean the mic is hot?!? … for chrissake, shut the damn thing off … what do you mean my chef can’t get arugula or Kobe beef?!?!? … is this goddam mic off yet? … well, shut it of_ …